A new era of healing begins...NOW!!! (Part 1)

So, in the midst of the insanity of last quarter, my friend and fellow NESH compatriot, Angie, took my case for a constitutional homeopathic remedy. I didn't take it right away, because I was already giving my body a ton of healing input: 5E acupuncture, a detox diet, sweat schedule, craniosacral, extraction work, etc etc etc. But now, after a make-shift deep evening movie night at the House of Home and Family (Ryan lives here too), and after coming through crisis relatively unscathed, Angie went ahead and gave me the remedy. She, being a good little homeopath, didn't tell me what it was. What I will do is journal about what I notice about myself over the next few weeks, and then report back to her.

The initial report: when she tossed the pills under my tongue, I got the distinct picture of tiny bright flashes of light. In my interpretation of felt-sense, brightness equals goodness, ie stuff I want inside of me, so that was a neat image to have acknowledged. I also got pretty thirsty right then, as well as a mild but sudden headache spanning the whole front of the forehead, and lasting only a few minutes. I was able to drive home just fine. I had a bowl of granola and some cranberry juice split with mineral water as a late-night snack, half-hour after taking the dose. I feel kinda sparkly, uplifted, enlivened, and bright right now, underneath the sleepiness. There's a sense of connection to Spirit, like I feel when I'm on the Big Island, something like really being in the flow, having let go of everything that binds. The sense is faint, but I felt it, just a glimmer of it, as I was getting into my car to come home. I just ate and I still feel hungry, although that's pretty normal for me. My left hand is really cold, and my right hand is really warm. Otherwise, I'm just good and tired, so off to bed I go.

This was not a wasted day

This was not a wasted day.

Three days prior, there was crisis. Drama. From seemingly out of nowhere. Yet upon reflection, the vague lines leading to probable contributing causes revealed themselves. The half-day of sugar indulgence. The practice of stripping away ego roles in class. The heightened blessing of perfection in a walk in the woods with a sweet being. The stepping out onto a limb, bearing a raw confession of love interest. The exposure of being authentic. The stepping into a physician's role, ever more realizing what it means and what it takes. The sudden disbandment, the loss of structure.

Flailing.

Gratitude and blessings to all who stepped in to check in on me. Ironically, they were all men. I think it was only men I called that night as well. Perhaps this is why:

I have been wanting to enter a relationship with a man (or men: as a theoretical polygamist, I am open to not counting) for some time now. Curious as to what needed to happen in order to manifest this, I did a reading on it this morning. The main message I got was to go easy with the analytical aspects, to continue healing the heart, and to focus on the family. I interpreted "family" to mean my inner family. Checking in with my inner man, I found him beyond exhaustion (poor guy). When asked what he wanted, he merely wanted to sleep. So, instead of packing up and schlepping off to volunteer at a homeless clinic today, I slept off and on for ost of the day. I didn't change out of my PJ's until 6pm and that was only to go to the grocery store (my inner woman was like, "Dude I know you're tired, but you also don't have anything to eat").

So I had to get over the notion that laying around in PJ's, doing Tarot readings, sitting in silence, and blogging are not wastes of time. I'd argue that is no such thing as wasted time. It's all a manifestation of one's priorities. Whatever you're doing, wherever you're putting your energy, those are your priorities. And I think today I showed myself that my priority to myself is still intact.

And now, a poem about relationship:

I am craving

I am craving that one

I am craving that one who is strong

I am craving that one who is strong enough

I am craving that one who is strong enough to hold me

I am craving that one who is strong enough to hold me to my word

Take me down,
back into my body
Take me home,
straight into my heart
Take me back,
when I have been brutal
Take me over,
when I have dissolved
Take me in,
when I am full
Take me up,
in your embrace
Take me and
give me back again.
And may I offer you
the same.

For the Love of...

Thank God for punk-ska, public pillow fights, Remedy Tea, and the grace of Spirit in the presence of a friend.

Melting down in the face of Change.
You Mother Fucker.
You and your hundred and eight
different shades of reality.
You and your consistent
double-standard.
You and your bossy
overbearance
forcing choice upon me.
forcing me into authenticity.
forcing me to sit with duplicity
and contrasting colors
I am nauseous and weak from the practice.
Dammit.
Where's the mercy?
I already fell in love with life
What good is it to put all the good things
on the same day?
Perhaps I should delve into
the rock-hard passion of
Your bindings and beatings
Learn to take it like
a bitch in heat to life
bent, sweaty, on all fours
There is passion beneath the pain
There is passion beneath the pain
Passion is pain, and painful
rubbing raw
now there's a wound to lick
to serve as a reminder
of the gift of manifestation
and patience
Delirious and exhilirated
Change forces me off my center
face-down into the mud
so that my heart may sprout roots
and begin communion with the Earth
amidst the change, oh yes, change
perhaps you can carry my trust
after all.