Saturday, February 2, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Prague: Day One - 9.7.09
It's 8:15am in Prague, at the Clown and Bard Hostel.
9hrs behind is Seattle, WA. 11:15pm, yesterday.I am reading a book Jenni lent me called, Off the Path. It's about two American girls who escape to Europe seeking redefinition of their selves and their lives. The first paragraph defines the timelessness of travel, how once you're on a plane with nowhere to be or to stay on the receiving end of that plane, you are essentially free.
Timelessness is delicious, and in my opinion, essential in moderate doses to the mental well being of the species.
Prague seems simple, and beautifully basic. Practical. What is needed is here. The trains and buses go where people and sights are. There are small stores full of essential items underneath floors of soft cemented flats all blended together, differentiated only by varying shades of pastel paint colors.
It's so quiet here. My six-block walk from the train to the hostel produced maybe five people. No sirens, no rushing, no beeping cars, no zooming bicycles, no blaring tv's or radios. Just stone-cut sidewalks and a gentle chilly breeze gracing the towering endless soft concrete flats. It seemed like they could all be empty.
I discovered the TV tower om my walk to the hostel. It is almost the most absurd public structure I have ever seen. It ranks up there with Seattle's Space Needle, the gigantic Peach on a post on the side of an Interstate in Georgia, the Eiffel Tower, and those millions of agent-orange frames with matching flags that graced New York City's Central Park one fall. The TV tower looks like a massive melted Lego wrapped around a red cell tower with, I shit you not, steely grey sculptures of giant infants crawling up and down the legs of the tower.
I love absurd public art, especially when two elements are present:
1) It's functional. The structure being graced by the art provides a service to the greater community, therefore the community is then committed in some fashion to pay its grateful homage to said structure. If, by neccessity it needs to be a massive and intrusive thing, it might as well be decked out and made original. Turn it into a spectacle or an amusing conversation piece. The Space Needle barely makes this cut for me, as it's only current function is to serve wealthy tourists a view of greycoated sky and an expensive meal and provide a modicum of uniqueness to Seattle's skyline.
9hrs behind is Seattle, WA. 11:15pm, yesterday.I am reading a book Jenni lent me called, Off the Path. It's about two American girls who escape to Europe seeking redefinition of their selves and their lives. The first paragraph defines the timelessness of travel, how once you're on a plane with nowhere to be or to stay on the receiving end of that plane, you are essentially free.
Timelessness is delicious, and in my opinion, essential in moderate doses to the mental well being of the species.
Prague seems simple, and beautifully basic. Practical. What is needed is here. The trains and buses go where people and sights are. There are small stores full of essential items underneath floors of soft cemented flats all blended together, differentiated only by varying shades of pastel paint colors.
It's so quiet here. My six-block walk from the train to the hostel produced maybe five people. No sirens, no rushing, no beeping cars, no zooming bicycles, no blaring tv's or radios. Just stone-cut sidewalks and a gentle chilly breeze gracing the towering endless soft concrete flats. It seemed like they could all be empty.
I discovered the TV tower om my walk to the hostel. It is almost the most absurd public structure I have ever seen. It ranks up there with Seattle's Space Needle, the gigantic Peach on a post on the side of an Interstate in Georgia, the Eiffel Tower, and those millions of agent-orange frames with matching flags that graced New York City's Central Park one fall. The TV tower looks like a massive melted Lego wrapped around a red cell tower with, I shit you not, steely grey sculptures of giant infants crawling up and down the legs of the tower.
I love absurd public art, especially when two elements are present:
1) It's functional. The structure being graced by the art provides a service to the greater community, therefore the community is then committed in some fashion to pay its grateful homage to said structure. If, by neccessity it needs to be a massive and intrusive thing, it might as well be decked out and made original. Turn it into a spectacle or an amusing conversation piece. The Space Needle barely makes this cut for me, as it's only current function is to serve wealthy tourists a view of greycoated sky and an expensive meal and provide a modicum of uniqueness to Seattle's skyline.
Beginning.
September 8th, 2009...it's been 1,228 days since my last posting.
I had been thinking about blogging again for some time. When I started blogging many, many moons ago, I wasn't quite sure of The Point, or if there was only just One Point. If there was just One Point, or any Point, then I didn't know what it was. Perhaps there were many Points. Hence, the crux of my quandry: am I doing this right? Do I even have a right to do this? Do I belong out here?
My ex-therapist mentioned that these might be some of the questions to which everything in my life boils down. This statement of hers is not the direct reason for why she is now my ex-therapist. She's my ex-therapist because my then-not-ex and I saw her for couples' counseling consistently for over a year and a half. My then-not-ex and I were doing what adults are supposed to do in shotty, mismatched relationships: stay in and work things out. The therapist, reflective listener that she was, pulled these questions like perfectly wound cotton candy cones out of the nauseating Tilt-O-Whirl of my process about the relationship. As my then-not-ex sulked on the other side of the rusted orange Ikea couch, practicing any number of Jedi mind tricks that might have me spontaneously burst into flames and be consumed on the spot, I began to unravel in the most life-saving way imaginable. I began asking myself the same questions yet again, but the landscape upon which I stood gave me an entirely different perspective.
Am I doing this right?
Do I have a right to do this?
Do I belong here?
The answers I was waiting to receive, however, were now no longer in limbo, nor were they outsourced. I was no longer waiting for some random action of some random person to whom I had randomly assigned value to approve of me and my actions. For the first time, I actually cared to consider what my own answers to these questions would be.
In regards to the relationship, when I heard the answers I actually had to those questions, I groaned out loud. I held my head in my hands, and pinched the bridge of my nose for a long time. I opened my eyes and swore. It was a happy, bright Sunday in Seattle -- one of those rare gems that made everyone slightly manic and overenthused. I had just gotten out of a cranio-sacral appointment with my friend, Teresa. I had been telling Teresa, probably for the 87th time, about how crappy things were going with my then-not-ex, when I got this time-warping flashback of every time in the last three years I had had that exact conversation. Every practitioner and sympathetic friend: Nona, Mykol, Janel, Kjersti, three different doctors, two different therapists, and yes, Teresa, more than once. In one sudden and wild snap, everything got clear.
And since then, everything has been clear. I broke up with my now-ex. I moved into an urban farm house with two great roommates. I started writing more than ever. I started reading and watching other people's poetry for fun and interest. Even though I practice naturopathic and shamanic medicine by trade, I uncovered a fact long hidden underneath decades of misguidance: I am actually an artist. I have wanted to do/make/create/live/breathe/become Art from the get-go. While I got encouragement for nurturing my "hobby," it was clear from my observations that a scientific academic focus was my best shot at getting the love I wanted. Now, a half a million dollars in higher education later, here I am.
Nowhere else I'd rather be.
This is an important place for me to be right now: I struggled for nearly two decades with terrible feelings of great intensity, confusing and terrifying to myself and everyone around me. As I came of age in the 1990's, that decade responded with its first waves of psychiatric medication in teenagers. Labels of bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder were offered to me and my parents as if they explained something. The labels explain nothing except that many academic white coats have thought long and hard about the wild flames of danger they have captured and studied. The labels offer this double-edged sword of Access to Services and a weighted Stigma to carry through a lifetime.
I'm in the process of dropping the stigma. Me dropping the Identity of Crazy, and instead picking up the Identity of first Doctor,then Artist is a Revolution. An Act of Resistance. A Liberation Movement.
But do I belong here?
Do I have a right to call myself Artist?
Am I doing this right?
Things were ridiculously busy for me this week. I had been back in Miami, visiting my folks and my hometown for a few weeks. Upon return to Seattle, I found that my business rent was raised, I had food rotting in the fridge, the oil used to heat my house had run out, and all the bills would be due at once at the end of the month, effectively speaking for every dollar I would earn between now and the 31st. Oh, and did I mention that it was dark and cold? Miami in winter: lows in the 80's, sunrise/sunset 7am-6pm. Seattle in winter: lows in the 20's, sunrise/sunset 9:40am-4:40pm. Needless to say, I felt swiftly and simultaneously crushed, drown, and tossed down an abyss.
My inner Writer did not give a shit. She stood off to one side, impatiently tapping her foot, watching my pathetic ass writhe, squirm, plead to God to save me from impending doom as I leaked snot and tears all over the nice rug.
"Get the fuck up and write."
"But I can't. I don't have time, it doesn't pay me anything, and besides, you saw those YouTube videos. My work is nothing compared to those hot shots. There's really no point..."
She glares at me down her nose, and I know in my guts that if I don't do what she says, she will End Me. She will photobomb every linear thought I try to have regarding marketing analysis, client follow-up, roommate negotiation, food selection, scheduling decision, etc., with poetic metaphor, couplets spun from sunrise and chickadee song. She will glide alongside next to me as I drive frantic all over town, loaded on coffee, running the errands of half-hearted mundacity in hopes that my life will continue to turn without major disaster.
Am I doing this right?
Already she is pissed that I chose last-minute to take this weekend-long homeopathy class, when I had promised her hours of solid writing, reviewing pieces for submission, culling the free-write notebooks for gems. So I made this date with her tonight to do some of that.
Instead, after spending two hours of Facebook promoting the Reiki class I will be teaching next month, checking emails, and catching up on gossip, I made cookies. They are gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, and soy-free. I didn't know such a thing could exist, but honestly, being of the breed that made cookies out of box mixes their whole life, I hadn't thought much about what actually goes into homemade cookies to begin with. Recipes work well for me: they are extensions of high-school chemistry experiments. Someone has already done the math and the measuring. I am simply a conduit of elements and circumstances colliding.
While the cookies are in the oven, I recall this blog I started years ago. I can't imagine it would still be active. I still remember the name. I couldn't remember the last time I had posted.
September 8th, 2009...it's been 1,228 days since my last posting. I scan back through the blog, realize that I have been trying to be a poet for years. That I had been offering my Artist the space to get free and messy over three years prior.
That I had been doing things right.
That I had a right to write.
That I belonged here.
So here I am. Thanks for reading. Here's to messy, creative solutions and the liberation, beauty and light they shed on struggle. Here's to the right question being asked at the right time. Here's to keeping promises to myself. Here's to not knowing a damn thing about anything, and doing things anyway. Here's to beginner's luck -- may I always be a Beginner.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What's on my mind this morning...
It has been a long time since I published here...perhaps I will pick it up again sometime soon. For now, though, this is what is on my mind this morning. I found myself mourning my first lover yet again, after 12 years. I found myself wondering if grief ever goes away, or if it just collects faces like ribbons added to the breast of a soldier committed to fighting the good fight until its own untimely death, until grief succumbs to itself and chooses its last breath?
Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
but only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
From: http://drtony.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html
If Ford built a truly defective vehicle that didn't meet federal safety standards or in some other way caused the death of this young man through no fault of the operators, such a financial punishment might be merited. But Lance Crossman Hall died in a 1997 traffic accident not just because the Explorer can be tipsy when swerving, but because his friend and the driver of the vehicle, Melahn Parker, fell asleep at the wheel.
Parker, who was charged with reckless driving, awoke and tried to regain control of the Explorer. But a “handling problem” caused the SUV in her care to turn sideways and roll over.
The fault in this accident begins with a young motorist asleep at the wheel and ends with a tragic fatality. A contributing factor was the type of vehicle being driven - which probably could just as easily have been a Chevy Blazer or Isuzu Trooper or almost any other SUV.
Does that make Ford primarily liable for Lance Crossman's death? Not at all, certainly not to the tune of $61 million.
This case had a more tragic ending, and thus asks more important questions and is a more worthy court candidate, than the infamous lawsuits filed by those who pour hot coffee in their own laps or who eat themselves into obesity. But the end result in this game of my lawyer vs. yours all too often is the same: Massive financial awards by juries to individuals (or their victims) who first shirked their own responsibilities.
Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
but only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
From: http://drtony.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html
If Ford built a truly defective vehicle that didn't meet federal safety standards or in some other way caused the death of this young man through no fault of the operators, such a financial punishment might be merited. But Lance Crossman Hall died in a 1997 traffic accident not just because the Explorer can be tipsy when swerving, but because his friend and the driver of the vehicle, Melahn Parker, fell asleep at the wheel.
Parker, who was charged with reckless driving, awoke and tried to regain control of the Explorer. But a “handling problem” caused the SUV in her care to turn sideways and roll over.
The fault in this accident begins with a young motorist asleep at the wheel and ends with a tragic fatality. A contributing factor was the type of vehicle being driven - which probably could just as easily have been a Chevy Blazer or Isuzu Trooper or almost any other SUV.
Does that make Ford primarily liable for Lance Crossman's death? Not at all, certainly not to the tune of $61 million.
This case had a more tragic ending, and thus asks more important questions and is a more worthy court candidate, than the infamous lawsuits filed by those who pour hot coffee in their own laps or who eat themselves into obesity. But the end result in this game of my lawyer vs. yours all too often is the same: Massive financial awards by juries to individuals (or their victims) who first shirked their own responsibilities.
Friday, February 27, 2009
2009 Talent Show Spit
Connection, remembered.
a place outside of time and dead lines
a space outside in the cool silence of the night
out there
on the sidewalk surrounded by black woods and cracked cement
the icy stars were watching, twinkling with anticipation
the damp air was holding its breath, fresh and clear between us
My heart met your heart.
like two mirrors facing each other
a candle alight in between us
reflecting into infinity
We beamed infinity at each other
and I noticed these golden somethings, soft and joyful
reach out from our beings and find one another
embracing in between our reflections
the handshake of honest hearts
you said you hoped that i would follow my dream
that it is necessary and essential
to our people
to our children
Your words fell through my ears,
and tumbled down into this space in my heart
Your words became a rusty key
that met a dusty lock
I had kept upon this dream of mine.
A lock, turned over by words
A portal, unlocked by honest reflection
I step through to
move beyond the spaces and places that exist only in thought,
move under the skin of assumption, rubbed raw and exposed
by words
slicing shredding sweeping back to reveal
a golden something that is wordless and wild,
that is truth, exposed
the potential of a dream unlocked by words
The words of my dream say this:
remember the dreams
the ones that seem dangerous and unkempt
the ones vicious and fierce
the ones that seem too big
the ones brimming with wildness and soul
the whole essence beyond words and reason
yells treason throughout the ranks of the mind
remind the mind of its place of service to the soul
Meet the eyes of others
what awaits you when you discover yourself holding a key to
the portal of the another's soul, Humility
is profound and bound to trust and release
whatever you thought you knew about anything
Rise with the swelling tide of ties undone
this is no time to hide, in fact we can't wait for you to come out
and step into the fire with us
we are strong, yet stronger still with
your sacred authenticity by our side
Listen closely for those keys.
Recollect the keys to your hearts, dear ones.
the average was never you
oh black sheep of your time, your day
has come to lead without followers
and to follow the beating of a drum
distant yet distinctly palpable within your chest
fingers to the throat you can feel
the thing that makes all of this worth it.
My dream, unlocked, and now she is here
standing with us
out there
in a place outside of time and dead lines
in a space outside in the cool silence of the night
out there
on the sidewalk surrounded by black woods and cracked cement
where the icy stars were watching, and
the damp air was holding its breath.
Where
My heart met my heart.
And I became connection, remembered.
a place outside of time and dead lines
a space outside in the cool silence of the night
out there
on the sidewalk surrounded by black woods and cracked cement
the icy stars were watching, twinkling with anticipation
the damp air was holding its breath, fresh and clear between us
My heart met your heart.
like two mirrors facing each other
a candle alight in between us
reflecting into infinity
We beamed infinity at each other
and I noticed these golden somethings, soft and joyful
reach out from our beings and find one another
embracing in between our reflections
the handshake of honest hearts
you said you hoped that i would follow my dream
that it is necessary and essential
to our people
to our children
Your words fell through my ears,
and tumbled down into this space in my heart
Your words became a rusty key
that met a dusty lock
I had kept upon this dream of mine.
A lock, turned over by words
A portal, unlocked by honest reflection
I step through to
move beyond the spaces and places that exist only in thought,
move under the skin of assumption, rubbed raw and exposed
by words
slicing shredding sweeping back to reveal
a golden something that is wordless and wild,
that is truth, exposed
the potential of a dream unlocked by words
The words of my dream say this:
remember the dreams
the ones that seem dangerous and unkempt
the ones vicious and fierce
the ones that seem too big
the ones brimming with wildness and soul
the whole essence beyond words and reason
yells treason throughout the ranks of the mind
remind the mind of its place of service to the soul
Meet the eyes of others
what awaits you when you discover yourself holding a key to
the portal of the another's soul, Humility
is profound and bound to trust and release
whatever you thought you knew about anything
Rise with the swelling tide of ties undone
this is no time to hide, in fact we can't wait for you to come out
and step into the fire with us
we are strong, yet stronger still with
your sacred authenticity by our side
Listen closely for those keys.
Recollect the keys to your hearts, dear ones.
the average was never you
oh black sheep of your time, your day
has come to lead without followers
and to follow the beating of a drum
distant yet distinctly palpable within your chest
fingers to the throat you can feel
the thing that makes all of this worth it.
My dream, unlocked, and now she is here
standing with us
out there
in a place outside of time and dead lines
in a space outside in the cool silence of the night
out there
on the sidewalk surrounded by black woods and cracked cement
where the icy stars were watching, and
the damp air was holding its breath.
Where
My heart met my heart.
And I became connection, remembered.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
What is it about me
that doesn't seem to get
how to be with other people?
Or is it them
and their wounding
hurting themselves on me
my intention is pure
yet apparently deviates
from the standardized
sanitized
offical
rulebook
of human interaction
This is dangerous territory
I feel like there's a lot at stake.
I feel like I have yet to learn
how to maintain safe boundaries for others
and maintain my sense of authenticity
simultaneously.
I don't even know what happened yet
and I feel so sad that someone was hurt by my actions.
that doesn't seem to get
how to be with other people?
Or is it them
and their wounding
hurting themselves on me
my intention is pure
yet apparently deviates
from the standardized
sanitized
offical
rulebook
of human interaction
This is dangerous territory
I feel like there's a lot at stake.
I feel like I have yet to learn
how to maintain safe boundaries for others
and maintain my sense of authenticity
simultaneously.
I don't even know what happened yet
and I feel so sad that someone was hurt by my actions.
Monday, July 7, 2008
thoughts of July 7th and starting the clinic
i can't sleep
i can't be slowed
i haven't been quiet
in quite a long time
changes are afoot
spinning me quicker faster deeper
into myself
the attachment between
my head and the rest of my body
is killing me
doubt flares
the past shows up on my door
with flowers and wine
forgetting to acknowledge
that I got back on the wagon
clung to it for dear life
i'm moving
i'm becoming my own impossible dream
i'm gripped in fear and doubt and humility and honor and gratitude
it's time to pray
and pray hard
it's time to let go
of everything
I have faith in
and jump
or fall
it looks the same
from the ground floor
anyway
i am illuminating faith
i am solid underneath the soil
of compost
i just tend to forget sometimes
you know how kids are
i can't be slowed
i haven't been quiet
in quite a long time
changes are afoot
spinning me quicker faster deeper
into myself
the attachment between
my head and the rest of my body
is killing me
doubt flares
the past shows up on my door
with flowers and wine
forgetting to acknowledge
that I got back on the wagon
clung to it for dear life
i'm moving
i'm becoming my own impossible dream
i'm gripped in fear and doubt and humility and honor and gratitude
it's time to pray
and pray hard
it's time to let go
of everything
I have faith in
and jump
or fall
it looks the same
from the ground floor
anyway
i am illuminating faith
i am solid underneath the soil
of compost
i just tend to forget sometimes
you know how kids are
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