Puddle Jumping

I always wake up with these incredible relevations about my life.

This morning, first it was the connection between two of my archetypes, the "orphaned child" and the "hedonist". The connection is Abandon.

a·ban·don–verb (used with object)

1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.
2. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.
3. to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.
4. to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.
5. Law. to cast away, leave, or desert, as property or a child.

How it goes with me is that when the Hedonist is allowed to live with abandon, it seems she walks squarely away from the Orphaned Child, leaving him to feel abandoned. Hedonist is a sucker for all things denied to me for the sake of my mental health: breads, sweets, booze, drugs...dare I say, love and attention now replaced by those things. How intriguing. Now thatI am working on living a life conscious of the cycle between those indulgences and their unruly consequences, I now become even more clear on what I truly want: love and attention. Interim solution: to come up with indulgences that don't fuck with my system the way those other things do. More on that later.

The next revelation started with me getting an image of my emotional trip the past three days. Thursday was sheer Fire: it started with a quiet morning, then a PSM treatment that got things moving right quick. Afterwards I treated myself to a chocolate-dipped donut and a rice chai at Top Pot, while diving in to complete abandon during a e-conversation with, shall we say, a new friend. Utterly indulged, I wandered back home, and within mere moments, my friend Rosemary had shown up to drive us to the Bioneers volunteer meeting. The meeting turned out to be massively inspirational; the vibe in the room probably evolved us all a notch. After the meeting, Rosemary and I were literally squealling like little girls in her car out of sheer excitement. Apparently, we both have a kink for community, sustainability and solutions.
Friday, in stark contrast, was wretchedly empty. I felt like I was starving all day. Not hungry. Just starving. For affection. For attention. For security, adoration, love, embrace...some unnamed thing which at that moment I didn't have.

So the image I got this morning was that of a massive "cowabunga" wave. (Did people actually ever say that in reference to a wave? Or did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just make it up?) Thursday felt like the peak, the actual riding. Friday, the falling. Hooray, it's Saturday! I wonder what will happen today? I mean, there's such a variety of outcomes when you come down off that wave. You fall off the board, sucked in by some undertow, get cracked in the head with your board, or you simply work it and stay on and come out floating.

Which led me into thinking that "people" have the general sense of bipolar disorder as being that wave. What I have to say about it is this: it's not just the wave, but also the land underneath it. Those waves can be shallow for some, outrageous in others, that's life and fate and divine plans for you. But one trick is to have that foundation underneath you so when you do fall off, you have some orientation. You have some rocks to grab onto as the rip ferociously drags you backwards and under. You still know which way is up and what is solid. And you know that the wave will soon cease and that you can soon start fighting to stand up again.

Bipolar is a label for people standing in puddles to describe surfers.

I also had Five Element come up again in reference to these days. There was so much Fire on Thursday that it didn't leave enough to feed Earth, hence the starvation on Friday, and now it's Metal's turn feeding off of very little, will make due for some semblance of control today. I think it's working, Metal loves writing, and this has been cathartic. A relief to know that all those revelations aren't just disappearing into the gray matter.

I loves me some Five Element, apparently...perhaps yet another calling of mine.

The icing on the cake this morning was, after this slew of enlightenment, I rolled over and started fiddling with the baseboard heater at the head of my bed. I noticed this small object fall out of somewhere, and upon further inspection, realized it was a one-inch rose quartz rod, fixed to be hung as a necklace.

God, I love you, Spirit. You're a trip. Thanks for the gift.

Today's the first day of Second Year Shamanism with Char Sundust (www.charsundust.com). Metal, eat your heart out.