What I need...

...I always get.

I have so much rolling around in my head, and I can't seem to smooth it out and make it linear and compact it into letters and words and sentences and stuff.

It seems that Spirit is speaking to me in a very loud and obvious voice sometimes, now more than ever, and yet the messages are still unclear. It's also confounded by the Voices of Self-Doubt. There's a part of me that is tellimg myself that I'm flat-out crazy, and only looney toons walk around spouting "Spirit says" quotes, and what kind of doc am I going to be with my head thoroughly stuck in the clouds and completely surrendered to the whims of the universe, etc.

And I am sad. Underneath sadness is some anger, and a bucketload of anxiety, with some frustration and exhaustion mixed in. This life is so much work, like all I came here to do this time was just fucking work on my shit: all the shit from the past 28 years, all the shit from the last life, and the ones prior to it. It just seems like all it is is work, and all I want to do is play and relax and actually enjoy life a little bit. I'm so worn-out and depleted, and very very grateful to have about a month off to recuperate, rethink, revive, relax, reeducate, realign, remember things like joy and deep breathing and things that work for me.

Things I plan on doing over break:
Reading at least two books, just for fun.
Creation, at least once a week.
Exercise, at least twice a week.
Staying horizontal for as long as I can.
Sitting quietly for as long as I can.
Clean out the spare room and make it into a Spirit Crash Pad.
Tie up someone cute and submissive, and do at least two mean things to them (with their permission, of course)

work, work, work.

I read something inspirational the other day, entitled Anonymity is for Pussies. I appreciated this man's standpoint. It is something I considered as I simultaneously enter both the medical professional and the kink community. And I realize that anonymity, while serving some purpose for those who choose it, doesn't sit well with me, and doesn't allow me to be fully authentic in each moment. So I'm a kinky medical student that can hopefully learn enough about both to eventually be of service to both. And that's only two of the many hats I wear. Shapeshifter, shapeshifter...

Off to see my beautiful Ryan sing in the Seattle Men's Chorus...oh what a treat! Likely I will recall that angels and miracles still exist tonight...Ryan has that effect on me.